How to Support Each Other Through Grief as a Couple
Grief tests relationships in ways that nothing else does. Here's how to support a grieving partner — and how to let yourself be supported — without losing each other in the process.
Grief and Relationships
Grief is one of the most profound human experiences — and one of the most isolating. Even when you're grieving alongside someone you love, the experience of loss is deeply personal. Two people can lose the same person and grieve in completely different ways, on completely different timelines, with completely different needs.
This is one of the reasons grief can be so hard on relationships. You're both hurting. You may not have the capacity to support each other in the ways you normally would. And the differences in how you grieve can create distance at exactly the moment when you most need connection.
How People Grieve Differently
Research by Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin identifies two broad grieving styles: intuitive grievers (who process grief through feeling and expression) and instrumental grievers (who process grief through thinking and doing). Most people are somewhere on the spectrum between these two.
When partners have different grieving styles, misunderstandings are common. The intuitive griever may feel that their partner doesn't care because they're not expressing emotion. The instrumental griever may feel overwhelmed by their partner's emotional expression. Neither is wrong — they're just different.
How to Support a Grieving Partner
Ask what they need. Don't assume. "What would be most helpful right now?" is more useful than any assumption about what grief should look like.
Be present without trying to fix. You cannot fix grief. You can be present with it. Sit with your partner in their pain without trying to make it go away.
Give them space to grieve their way. If your partner needs to cry, let them cry. If they need to stay busy, let them stay busy. Resist the urge to impose your grieving style on them.
How to Let Yourself Be Supported
Grief can make it hard to receive support — you may feel like you need to be strong, or like your partner has enough to deal with. But letting yourself be supported is an act of intimacy. It allows your partner to show up for you, which is something they need as much as you do.
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